Guinea pig, you’re squandering your full potential for world domination. If only you’d use your damn hands for more than simply walking and cleaning your damn face! For a start you could use those hands to feed yourself, instead of sticking your face in a goddamn bowl and picking shit up with your teeth. Anything bigger than a bean drops to the ground. If you used your hands, you could pick up a cherry tomato or an apple or a sweet potato pie and have at it. I mean a hamster can use its hands to eat. A damn hamster! It’s absolutely disgraceful that you’re being one-upped by a hamster.

Look at you, standing, holding onto the bars of your cage. Why don’t take the next step and climb out! You’ve got the hands for it. You’ll never rule the world from that cage. You need to get out and build that army. A rat wouldn’t be content to run around a cage. It would use its digits and be out of that cage lickety split. Ever see The Rats of NIMH? That could all be yours. Elevators. An electric power grid. Lighting. Heat. Computers. A death ray. Wait for humanity to blow themselves up, and then you could become the dominant species on the planet. Especially, with a death ray. If you’d just use your hands like the Rats of NIMH.

I don’t even want to hear that opposable thumb excuse. You know who can pull the shit of a lever, open the crap out of hook, and open a fucking padlock? A lemur, that’s who. Oh, a lemur has opposable thumbs? They absolutely don’t have fully opposable thumbs. They have pseudo-opposable thumbs. No precision grip. Only capable of whole hand control. You have whole hand control, guinea pig!

And marmosets have no opposable thumb at all, but you know what they can do. They can use tools. A marmoset can use a rake. A marmoset doesn’t go around saying, “If only I had an opposable thumb like an orangutan or a gibbon, then imagine what I could do?”

They just do it, because they’re driven by marmoset motivation. Be a marmoset, guinea pig. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and use your damn hands.